Helping Your Children Cope with Divorce

Children Should be the Priority in a Divorce

Although there is much discourse in psychology crowds regarding exactly what intensity long-term divorces have on children, there is certainly no question that it creates enormous changes in their lives, especially during the stage of actual separation. California family law prioritizes the child’s best interests in all cases.

We understand that divorce can be an emotionally taxing time that may distract and cause you to fall short on your usually attentive and great parenting skills. Remember that your children, whether adolescents or teenagers, are still developing their identity, confidence, and emotional skills. Protecting and ensuring their healthy divorce processing should be at the top of your priorities.

There’s no debate about the reality that parents are the most critical people in a child’s life or that a contentious divorce is much harder on children who are exposed to parent conflict than on those who are not. Thus, it is imperative not to bring your kids into your spousal divorce arguments and conflicts.

Don’t Bring Your Children into Your Divorce Conflicts

Do not squabble with your divorcing spouse in front of the kids.

 If possible, make an agreement with your divorcing spouse to discuss contentious items in private. If an agreement is not possible and an argument is inevitable around the children,  try walking to a different room or substantial space away from the child(ren.) Someone has to be the skillful and considerate one. Reflect on the 10 Ground Rules of Divorce to reduce any potential conflict triggering scenarios and encourage your spouse to review them as well.

Do not say bad things about your spouse to or in front of them.

You may have strong opinions about your spouse, and he/she may be trying to incite you to anger, but it is imperative to keep your cool. Saying negative things about your spouse puts an unnecessary mental burden on your child, making them feel responsible for your conflict. In addition, Spontaneous Trait Transference studies have shown that whatever traits you describe in others, people will transfer to you, positive or negative. By talking negatively about your spouse (or anyone for that matter), you may condition your child(ren) to associate such negative traits and feelings of discomfort with yourself.  

Do not pressure your kids to be dishonest or take sides in the divorce.

Not only is it selfish and wrong, but judges will see right through this and will work against you in all aspects of the divorce judgment. Emotionally, financially, and otherwise.

No matter how upset you might get, keep the children out of it and do the best you can to make sure your divorcing spouse does the same. During a divorce, self-care is not just for you; it’s equally important for your children.

Remember. Children come first in divorce.

Always.